so baby, where do I go from here?
by juuliiee
Summary: Liam Payne / Zayn Malik. So much angst. Also a lot of love.


"_**So, baby, where do I go from here?"**_

Pairing: Zayn/Liam

Word count: 2,519

Disclaimer: Not real. Obviously never happened.

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Notes: _Italics are flashbacks/memories. _Flashbacks are not in chronological order at all, they're pretty random… Anyway, please read and tell me what you think :) Unbeta'd.

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Zayn sits down on the ground and runs his hand over the lettering on the headstone. Has it really been a year already? It still feels like it was just yesterday, it hasn't stopped hurting and the pain hasn't gotten any easier to bear. People say time heals everything, but Zayn thinks that whoever said that didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Time certainly hasn't done anything for Zayn, except make Liam seem farther and farther away from him.

"_Hey Liam, where are we supposed to go from here?" _

_Liam looks up from where he's been looking desperately on the map on his phone. They're walking home from the cinema; they're on tour, they're somewhere in Edinburgh and they're pretty lost, and it's grey and raining and cold, but they don't really notice or care about the rain. Zayn leans in over Liam's shoulder and looks at the map. Liam sighs, "Eh, I have no idea…"_

"_Should we call someone for help?" he asks after a couple of moments of looking around at the street signs around them. _

_Zayn smiles, takes Liam's hand (even though they know they shouldn't – not out here in public), "Nah, let's just walk around for a bit – see where we end up."_

He reaches out and brushes his fingers over the cold, wet stone, tracing every letter with his finger, just like he used to caress cheeks and arms and… he has to close his eyes and take a deep breath. He promised himself he wouldn't break down today. Not today. Because he is supposed to move on today. Today is going to be the first day of his new life. He promised the boys he would try to start moving on today, for his own sake, because that's what Liam would want. Well, that's what they said anyway, but they never said how exactly he is supposed to do that.

_Zayn wakes up when the sun hits his eyes through the window. He groans. Why do they always forget to close the curtains before they fall asleep? He turns around to ask Liam, but he is surprised to see that Liam is still asleep, and it's weird because Liam is always, always, awake before Zayn. He rolls over on his side and rests his head in his hand so he can enjoy this rare opportunity to just stare at Liam. _

_It's been three months since they started this 'thing' – they've yet to define their relationship officially – and he's still amazed. He traces his fingers down Liam's face, over his eyelids, his nose, his lips, before a smile appears on that beautiful face._

"_Man, should've known you weren't asleep, it was too good to be true," he shakes his head as Liam opens his eyes, now a full grin on his face. "Staring at someone when they're sleeping is really creepy, Z."_

"_Well, you weren't asleep, so it's not creepy."_

_Liam laughs, loud and bright, "you're so weird," he says as he pulls Zayn down towards him, pushing his lips to Zayn's. Zayn sighs into the kiss, fingers still on Liam's face. A perfect way to start the day._

To stop the hurt he gets angry instead; angry at everyone and at everything. At Liam, for leaving, and then he gets angry at himself because it's not Liam's fault; angry at his family, because they don't understand, they say they do, but no one does, missing someone this much, hurting this much, is the loneliest place to be. Angry at Niall, Louis and Harry and Aiden and Matt, because where the fuck are they? Why are they not here with him? Mostly angry because they told him to move on – angry because they have moved on.

"_Zayn!"_

_Louis' voice is exasperated by now, tired of all the drama. "Zayn, just fucking go talk to him, for fucks sake, I'm sick of this!"_

_Zayn knew he crossed the line when he yelled at Liam for being too possessive and clingy, but sometimes he just needs his space. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love Liam enough. It was their first fight and Liam has been avoiding him ever since, and Zayn is absolutely miserable and he misses Liam so much it's actually painful._

"_Yeah, Lou's right," Niall says, looking up from his bowl of cereal. "You're both miserable and moping around and you should just kiss and make up already."_

_Zayn knows they are right, so leaves Harry and Louis' flat where they've been having breakfast, well until Liam decided to storm out, and takes the short walk to Liam's home. _

_Liam is on his bed, face down, and Zayn thinks he may be crying. _

_It breaks his heart a little bit more. He doesn't want to be the reason for Liam's tears. _

"_Liam, I'm sorry," he starts, and Liam turns around, about to say something, but Zayn sits down next to him and puts his hand gently over Liam's mouth to silence him, "No, let me talk, you need to hear this and you have to believe me, because I've never not told you the truth and I'm always, always honest with you."_

_He takes a deep breath before continuing. "Liam, I love you. I love you so much it's silly. You are the best thing in my life. When I said that sometimes you can be too possessive and clingy I told you because I want us to work things out, talk about it – it doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't love you as much as you love me. Okay?"_

_Liam sits up, "I'm sorry Zayn."_

_Zayn smiles and hugs him tightly, loving feeling him this close again. "I'm sorry too, baby."_

"_It's just, "Liam begins, "you're right… about me. Sometimes I get a bit… it's just because I'm always afraid you'll find someone better than me, that I'll lose you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."_

_Zayn takes Liam's head in his hand and kisses him deeply. "Don't Liam, don't worry, you won't ever lose me, and I won't ever find someone better than you because there is no one in this world better than you."_

"Hey mate," a voice behind him says.

Zayn turns around and sees Niall there, trying to smile. Zayn doesn't even bother to try. He does stand up and hug him because Niall is still his friend and there is something comforting about being held no matter how devastated you are. Zayn almost breaks down, but he doesn't let himself cry.

"The others are waiting in the bar – you know how Harry doesn't like to come here – it's too sad."

Harry thinks it's too sad – he should try living in Zayn's body then. He wants to say something cruel about Harry, but he knows they just have different ways of grieving, and he knows all too well how much it hurts when someone tells you you aren't grieving in the correct, proper way.

Zayn just nods against Niall's shoulder, "I just need a minute more."

"Take all the time you need."

_They're just lounging around in Zayn's flat, eating pizza and watching movies, hungover from last night's parties. Zayn is resting his head on Liam's chest, Liam's hand stroking through his hair softly; he can hear Liam's heartbeat and it's comforting and relaxing._

"_Hey Z?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I love you."_

_Zayn smiles, snuggles closer, thinking that this might be the perfect moment._

"_I love you too."_

Zayn sits down on the cold ground again, once more looking at the name, the harshness of the black on grey striking him as being so opposite the warmth and brightness that was Liam.

"I miss you."

Just that short sentence makes him choke up and he can feel the tears burning, but he won't let them fall. _He won't_.

"Zayn…" Niall's voice sounds like it's so far away, but he must be mistaken because he can feel Niall's hand on his back and then his arm around his shoulder, kneeling down next to him. "Zayn, it's okay."

He finally lets himself cry.

_Liam looks up at Zayn unsure and nervous. "Zayn, I'm…"_

_Zayn leans down and kisses him, trying to calm him down. He knows how nerve-wracking, and painful, the first time with another guy can be. He is determined to make this an awesome experience for Liam, though, he wants to make Liam feel better than he ever has before – but mostly he wants Liam to know that Zayn is the best he's ever had. _

"_Baby, I know, just relax."_

_Of course it's not technically perfect the first time, they are awkward and clumsy, but Zayn has never been so hot, so desperate before – he's never wanted anyone that much. And Liam is tight and hot, and he pushes back just perfectly, and their bodies fit so well together. Zayn thinks he could come just from listening to the sounds they make together, Liam chanting his name like it's all he knows or the way Liam's back is glistening with sweat, quivering with want._

He tells Niall to go ahead, that he'll be there soon. Niall looks at him with worry etched on his face, but does as he is told. Zayn loves him for it. He would love him even more, though, if he could somehow take them back a year, because he would've never let Liam leave the house that night, no, he would have kept him in his arms where he was safe. For ten more minutes he just stands there, he knows he is crying, not because he can feel tears because he has somewhere in the last year become numb to the feeling of tears on his cheeks, but because other people are staring at him, looking concerned or sympathetic or a mixture of both. He takes one last look at the headstone before starting to walk away.

_Liam tries to get up, but Zayn pulls him back down again, "Nooo," he whines, "it doesn't matter, just stay here, we'll go get it tomorrow." Liam rolls his eyes at him and pulls away from him again, standing up and leaving Zayn alone on the sofa. He pouts but it doesn't work on Liam anymore. Not after all this time. "Babe, please…"_

"_No, Zayn, you forgot your favourite jacket at the bar and you'll just be complaining tomorrow when you realise it's gone – I'm gonna go get it now. Zayn, don't pout, I'll be back in 30 minutes."_

_Zayn sighs, he hasn't learned how to say no to Liam, "alright then, but hurry back, okay."_

"_I will, don't worry," Liam says as he grabs his keys and his jacket and goes to the door, "Love you, Z."_

"_Love you, too."_

_The door slams shut and he listens to Liam's footsteps all the way down the stairs._

Zayn reaches the gates of the cemetery – he doesn't like thinking about that night, the sound of doors shutting still makes him want to scream in desperation. Liam promised he would only be gone thirty minutes, but he never came back.

_Zayn finds his phone but there are no phone calls or texts from Liam, he doesn't like how sick he feels or how he's beginning to shake – he quickly types in 'hey babe wer r u? been an hour now… x_

_He never gets a reply._

He wishes things were different; he wishes Liam had just stayed home that night; he wishes that guy who killed his Liam, however accidentally it was, had stayed home that night. But mostly he wished he had just remembered his fucking jacket – or that he had gone instead. Or just forced Liam to stay home. He can make himself crazy just thinking about it.

He wishes Liam was here and that they were somewhere else. He wants to move on, he really does, but he doesn't want to forget Liam and he doesn't want to ever stop loving Liam.

He looks up to the sky, which is stupid because he doesn't believe in god or heaven, as if Liam is magically going to appear there and tell him what to do. All he sees are grey skies and the rain hits his face. He hadn't even realised that it was raining before now. It reminds him of that night in Edinburgh when they were lost.

Zayn is still lost now. "Baby, where do I go from here?" he asks into the rain, but no answer. He looks around and sees a sign with a big red arrow pointing left. He rolls his eyes, coincidence only he tells himself. But he's lost and has nowhere else to go, so he goes left and after five minutes he's standing in front of the bar where he Niall, Harry, Louis, Matt and Aiden are sitting around a corner table. He smiles, and he doesn't think about it, but it's his first genuine smile in a year. "You're right, baby, you're right."

"_We'll always we friends, won't we?" Niall asks. They're just hanging out in his and Zayn's hotel room. It's the last night of the X Factor Tour and they're all tired, but happy. _

"_Of course, Nialler," Louis says and ruffles his hair. "No matter what," Harry agrees. Liam is sitting behind Harry, playing with his hair._

_Zayn is sitting on the desk chair, trying to avoid looking over at Aiden and Matt who are snogging in the corner. He smiles at the concentrated look on Liam's face as he's trying to undo a knot in Harry's hair._

"_Aiden, where is the- oh, eewww, stop that! I'll be scarred for life!" Niall yells, and Louis laughs and leans forward, covering Niall's eyes with his hand, "Boys! Not in front of the kids!"_

_Zayn laughs. "You're all idiots," he says. Aiden gasps loudly, and tries to look offended. "Am not, you just jealous you aren't kissing a hot guy, Malik." Zayn shoots him a look and Aiden just winks. He hopes no one picks up on it. _

"_I am not an idiot!" Harry says, "I am intelligent and beautiful and caring and awesome – just ask my mum." Louis rolls his eyes, a mischievous smile on his face, "she was clearly talking about me when she said that – she wants me." Harry launches himself at Louis, and they play fight, Niall getting caught in the middle, limbs going in all directions. Liam is just smiling and shaking his head until Niall's leg comes flying at him, hitting him in the face, "Hey!"_

_Zayn laughs at his friends, and Liam smiles at him, from where he is trying to avoid getting hit. "You're idiots but I love you." _

His friends. _His boys_. This is where he should be now; he hasn't lost everything even though it feels that way; he still has these boys to live for, his best friends who have supported him even when they have been hurting too; that that is the direction he should go in now, that's what Liam would want, and he still doesn't know how to say no to Liam.


End file.
